As if we didn't have enough to worry about, along comes the news that mud dauber wasps living around the dormant nuclear power plant in Hanford, Washington, are using radioactive mud to build their nests snugly in the nice warm cracks of Bechtel's still-beaucoups-dangerous "H" reactor! "More than dozens" of radioactive wasp nests have been discovered by concerned investigators, who are trying to get the bugs to relocate and switch over to non-contaminated mud sources.

So far, the plan doesn't seem to be working, which is perfectly understandable once you realise that the wasps are actually seeking out the radioactive mud on purpose. You see, mud dauber wasps don't use their stingers to kill. No� that would be too easy. These diabolical creatures use the venom in their stingers to paralyse their pray. Then, they insert an ovipositor and lay eggs in the victim's body. Finally, they bury the victim up to its neck in mud, and wait for baby to hatch. After that, baby eats its way out of the still living host, which feels everything, and can't do anything about it. If you've seen Aliens, that's basically what I'm describing here. Folks, evil that pure can only be after one thing... total global domination.

Plans are currently under way to tear down and seal up the contaminated site, which produced explosive plutonium cores for the most destructive class of nuclear warheads produced during the Cold War arms race, but don't they see that it's already too late? The fools! There's no stopping them now! Don't you hear it? That inhuman sound, never before heard by human ears!? That infernal buzzing just beyond the horizon?! Can't you see the darkening sky, the mantle of amber, chitinous twilight that draws over to consumes us, we who are doomed to a short but too long half-life as both host and feast to the progeny of our venom-dripping conquerors?!

Who can save us now? Who� but the robots?! Yes, of course! The ROBOTS!!!

Come one and all! Let us get down on our knees and PRAY for the ROBOTS to deliver us from our would-be conquerors, the GIANT RADIOACTIVE MUTATED MUD DAUBER WASPS!!!

After months of increasingly rancorous debate and (irony!) open defiance of the law by the Chief Justice Roy Moore of Alabama's Supreme Court, state workers finally hauled away the monument to the Ten Commandments from the rotunda of the Alabama Judicial Building on Wednesday. A gaggle of shrieking, purple-faced protesters dissolved into hysterics when they realized there was nothing they could do to save their beloved graven image, which was originally installed by Judge Moore less than two years ago as an in-your-face "dare" to anyone to remove it. While my hopes for an armed standoff went unrequited, the site of apoplectic nimrods shouting "Get your hands off our God, God haters!" was entertaining enough in and of itself. But now, we're left with a useless three-ton stone block, just taking up space in a warehouse somewhere! What to do? What to do?!

TOP TEN ALTERNATE USES FOR THAT "10 COMMANDMENTS" MONUMENT!

11. Flip it over and use it as an altar upon which to perform sacrificial blood offerings to SATAN!

10. Hollow it out and fill it with ice to create the world's holiest drinks cooler.

9. Slowly lower it on top of that idiot preacher who suffocated 8-year old, autistic Milwaukee boy Terrance Cotrell to death last week by sitting on his chest during an impromptu "exorcism." The same horrific fate should befall any other member of that ridiculous Christian coven who was stupid enough to take part.

8. Cornerstone for a brand-spanking-new abortion clinic!

7. Put it in an overgrown field with an outhouse, a rusted out Cadilac, an abandoned refrigerator and voila! REDNECK STONEHENGE!

6. Paperweight for God's lawyers in the upcoming post-Armageddon sentencing trials.

5. Use it as ballast on the converted cruise ship where Preznit Dubya will have to live in exile, because - after his removal from office and the subsequent investigations, trial, and horrific revelations of criminal conspiracy on a barely-imaginable scale - no other country on earth will be willing to take him.

4. Auction it off on e-bay and use the proceeds to help pay for rebuilding Iraq.

3. Convert it into two tons worth of marble floor tiles for a David Gray memorial homosexual bathhouse.

2. Use it as a tombstone for Charlton Heston once he finally kicks the bucket.

1. A giant rectal probe for Tony Blair, after all he's used to taking it up the ass from the good old US of A