Masturbate For Life

Click below to learn about the latest development regarding a possible American Gothic feature film and new series - which *could* also bring a DVD release of the original series. More information here: http://www.ourdramaqueen.com/ag/NewsFeature.htm

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^{MASTURBATE FOR LIFE}

Great news for the average male reader of this column! An Australian study [why is it always an Australian study? has discovered that "frequent masturbation" may help prevent prostate cancer in men, which only makes sense, considering the fact that women don't even have prostates. But I digress. The study surveyed over 2000 men and found that those who ejaculated more than five times a week were over thirty percent less likely to develop prostate cancer. So, if my calculations are correct, that means it would be a mathematical impossibility me to develop prostate cancer. Whew! Here's why, according to the professor: "Semen is a very potent and strong brew of lots of chemicals which, because of their biological reactivity, could be carcinogenic if left to lie around. What we found was men who ejaculated most in their twenties, thirties and forties had about a third less prostate cancer risk than men in the lowest category of ejaculation." Use it or lose it! Sounds like a variation on a pretty basic theme� but if getting off is the key, why single out solo sex for kudos? Wouldn't good old-fashioned ladyloving be just as effective a tonic against the world's worst six-letter word? Because of the increased risk of sexually transmitted diseases, various infections and even injury (!!!) - all of which increase the chance of developing cancer - the answer is a resounding "NOOO!!!" Only the five-fingered-fandango will do, which leads to a number of intriguing implications, not the least of which is the unavoidable conclusion that Pamela Anderson has saved more lives than Superman, Spiderman and the Green Lantern, combined.

And speaking of asking people how often they squeeze their lemons, a sex survey recently performed at the University of Maine has shown that, when it comes to sex surveys, the "weaker sex" are - surprise, surprise - a bunch of LIARS!!! Here's how these diligent researchers managed to figure out what the rest of us knew simply because it's sooo obvious that it almost seems like a waste of time and money to set out to prove it� A group of men and women were asked to answer questions about their sex lives under three different sets of conditions. The first group were left alone in a room and told their answers would be completely anonymous. The second group were told that a researcher was watching them, and would be able to "match the face to the form." The third group were wired up to a (fake) lie detector.

The results were, to say the least, just what you'd expect. The women who thought they might be identified reported having made the beast with two backs with roughly half as many men as the women in the "anonymous" group, who themselves claimed nearly 25% fewer sex partners than those who were wired for truth. Among the men in this study, there was no statistically important variation from one group to the next. Terri Fisher, one of the researchers, tried to cover for her fellow females: "Women are so sensitive about being labeled sluts or whores that they are very reluctant to be honest about their sexual behavior, even in supposedly anonymous surveys. You would assume that when a heterosexual man has sex, a woman is having sex at the same time, but the statistics always suggest otherwise. That can't be true. We thought males would be over-inflating their experience while females under-report it, but that's not what we found." Of course, that's just a lot of fancy-talk and balderdash to avoid stating the politically incorrect yet oh so obvious TRUTH of the matter, which is that women are biologically constructed so as to be constitutionally incapable of honesty. It's an evolutionary trait they have developed as a defense against male immaturity, which sometimes makes telling them the truth a risky proposition.

And so ends your bright blast of sunshine for today!