"You know the world is doomed when the world's best rapper is white, the world's best golfer is black, France is accusing America of being arrogant, and the Germans don`t want to go to war." On this day in 1943, Swiss chemist Albert Hoffman accidentally injests a small amount of the chemical byproduct known as LSD-25 while working at the Sandoz pharmaceutical research laboratory, thereby discovering its psychoactive properties. Since then, it's been a long strange trip through Nazi/CIA mind-control experiments, the offices of National Review Magazine, and really bad "jam" music. Come on... admit it. The Grateful Dead's "Dark Star" sucks colostomy The Baghdad complex housing the secret police, military intelligence and torture chambers was one of the key targets in the war, and was struck by Tomahawk missiles. The apartments inside which used to house the members of the secret police are still filled with their personal paraphenalia. On the walls of these the police, who routinely tortured dissidents and homosexuals, had stuck up posters of Harrison Ford, Sharon Stone... and George Michael. "We might create a group of people much smarter than us, that might want to kill us."- Bioethicist George Annas, chair of the Health Law Department of Boston University School of Public Health, describes one of the myriad potential dooms that await mankind in... the FUTURE! "Oderint dum metuant." - Find out what it means, here.
The Don't Pay Your Taxes Special
Hollywood celebrities who have spoken out against the Iraq war are being boycotted by bodyguards. Personal protection agencies are largely staffed by ex-US military men. And all of a sudden, the anti-war stars are finding it impossible to hire a bodyguard or protection services. So any sex-pests, weirdos or stalkers looking to get close to the likes of Martin Sheen, Dixie Chicks and Sean Penn... now could be your big chance!The Don't Pay Tax Special - to commemorate the NIC hike
TIP #1: DON'T ALLOW PEOPLE TO GIVE YOU MONEY. EVER. This is one of the most crucial aspects to keeping a low tax profile. One of the easiest ways to refuse people giving you money is by killing yourself, but some people find themselves uncomfortable with this long-term solution, as it greatly hinders their ability to bitch about upcoming Star Wars movies. On the positive side, this makes tax filing infinitely easier, as zero plus zero will always equal zero, unless you use the Metric System, in which case you'll owe the government something like 50,271 megawatts per kilometre.
TIP #2: BURY ALL YOUR CASH IN COFFEE TINS UNDER YOUR BACKYARD. I'm fairly sure that the government can only tax you on money that exists, and if your cash resides in a decaying canister below the sod in your caravan park's yard, then it belongs to Mother Earth, not the Government, and they are prohibited from touching it by law. If a jackbooted Nazi government scumbag tries to dig up your money, then they will be haunted by some ghost who will make them sterile and cause them to hallucinate and think their family members are zombies out to murder them. If their family members were previously zombies out to murder them, then the ghost will disguise them as 1979 Samsung twin-tub washing machines. If their family members were previously 1979 Samsung twin-tub washing machines, then hey, there's not much the ghost can do to possibly make their life much worse.
TIP #3: CLAIM YOU LOST ALL YOUR MONEY WHILE WATCHING BRITNEY SPEARS' "CROSSROADS". Previously, when I was much drunker, I decided to sit down and watch my Comcast digital cable, which now has the ability to produce images at 233 x 175 resolution with up to 19 quasi-distinctly similar colours. I ended up settling on "Crossroads," a movie which served as a vehicle for pop sensation Britney Spears' acting career, one which I hope runs her down in rush hour traffic. As far as I can tell, the film revolves around three boring woman travelling from point A to point B while talking about boys and facing insurmountable obstacles such as refuelling the gas tank and reciting lines without laughing hysterically. According to my internal clock, this movie lasted roughly six decades (not counting the credits), which left ample time for me to pass out and have my wallet and cheque book stolen by unscrupulous bastards. If an IR agent attempts to audit you, simply show him a copy of "Crossroads" as proof. Once he's in a deep coma, steal his wallet and move.
TIP #4: BECOME AN ANTI-GOVERNMENT NUTBALL AND REFUSE TO PAY TAXES. Out of all options, I'd have to claim this is the most unappealing. For starters, you must purchase a large portion of land in some god-forsaken place like Dumfries-shire or, god-forbid, Dumfries-shire. Then you will have to grow a large beard, invest in overall companies, and religiously attend gun and religious shows. Throughout these events and your everyday life, you must randomly scream, "I am not giving' up my rights to no Nazi government thugs!" You should also hold a protest sign which is mostly incoherent and quotes some parable from the Bible about how a guy was eaten by lions because he refused to build a temple for King Egypt. Once you're holed up inside your compound, you must breed dogs which are trained to attack anything living or dead. These enforcers will provide you with valuable time to run around your house like a retard when the SAS is subduing them with a barrage of gunfire. In the ideal outcome, you will end up dead. In the worst case scenario, you will have to serve a lengthy prison sentence in a jail which doesn't abide by the same rules as your super-ultra-cool compound which has giant Styrofoam skulls that open up to reveal a barrage of missiles aimed at Castle Greyskull.