Catholic Teen Summer Sex
Maybe the Incredible Hulk should change his catch-phrase to: "You wouldn't like me when I'm naked." At least, that's probably what 6-year-old Leah Lowland of Biggin Hill, England (I swear I didn't make that up) was thinking when she discovered that the trademark purple pants on the Hulk doll she'd won at a local fair were concealing more than the usual anatomically-incorrect patch of smoothness which usually adorns dolls of this type. Whatever her reasons for taking its pants off, Leah's Hulk doll turned out to have a mean, green penis! Leah's mom Kim was suitably impressed. "Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall it's amazing how big his willy is. And it's definitely not an extra piece of material left on by mistake." But she's also not impressed. "It sounds funny, but kids should not be exposed to this kind of thing. It should be taken off the shelves." Indeed.
"Oh, you're one of the sodomites. You should only get AIDS and die, you pig. How's that? Why don't you see if you can sue me, you pig. You got nothing better than to put me down, you piece of garbage. You have got nothing to do today, go eat a sausage and choke on it."
- With the above words, proudly fascist homophobic radio shock-joke Michael Weiner (whose nom-de-radio is Michael "Savage") got himself fired from MSNBC
"You'd hear an Ouch!, followed shortly after by Oh, but it feels so good." - The neighbour of a naked Japanese man arrested for masturbating with a knife (in his wanking-hand!) while standing in a police station (where he'd gone to complain that he'd been unjustly turfed from a local S-and-M club) knew there was something fishy about the guy. Click here to read the HEADLINE OF THE YEAR!
The TOP TEN TIPS from the VATICAN SUMMER SEX MANUAL for TEENS!
11. Stay away from Protestants. They're dirty.
10. If you ever get so aroused you think there's no turning back, just think of His Holiness, the Pope, naked, slathered in bacon grease, standing knee-deep in a turtle-shaped pool full of curdled milk.
9. The only time you should ever be down on your knees - your eyes turned upwards in sweet anticipation of the gift of flesh about to be inserted into your wet and willing mouth - is in Church, during Holy Communion.
8. If you're an early bloomer, for God's sake, stay in the house. Better yet, stay in your room.
7. Always remember: Pleasure is the essence of shame, and shame is the essence of faith.
6. Bathroom Etiquette: Boys, no more than two shakes. Girls, one wipe, maximum.
5. Girls: If you wear clothes that reveal any part of your thorax, whatsoever, you're BEGGING to be raped, and you'll have earned it if it happens to you. Boys: Feel free to go topless. Now go run in that fountain over there� yes� in the fountain�
4. Whenever you touch yourself, remember that your grandparents are up in Heaven, looking down on you... crying.
3. Sublimate your primal urges by transferring their energy into an alternative activity, such as Star Trek fandom, round-the-clock prayer, or nervous breakdowns.
2. If you're a teenaged boy, stand well back from clergy of all denominations.
1. On the off chance that the Lord God Almighty should appear before you, wishing to fill your womb with the Holy Spirit so that you may, nine months later, bring forth - after much groaning and stretching of flesh - the earthly manifestation of the Second Coming of our Christ and Saviour, ignore all of the above advice. Just relax and go with it.*
*Mary was only 16 when she gave birth to Jesus, after all, which means, by our own culture's legal and moral definition� GOD was a PAEDOPHILE! And hold on to your hats, folks� it gets worse! Seeing as Jesus, himself, was God, that means their relationship was INCESTUOUS, too! Holy POPEMOBILE! I'm gonna get SHOT for figuring this out!
My Top Tens Go Up To 11