Lisa McClelland of Oakley, California put two easy-to-upset segments of the population in a tizzy this week when she announced her intention to start a "Caucasian Club" at her high school. The school has clubs for Blacks, Latinos and other minorities, Lisa claims, but no comparable service exists for her minority� the minority of students who are non-minority. Predictably, from the Left came cries of "Nazi!!!" From the Right was heard whoops of joy and a growling: "Way to teach them niggers a lesson, sister-girl!!!"

Oft-quoted and frequently-profiled Muslim military chaplain James Yee, a captain in the Army and a graduate of West Point, has been arrested for allegedly "spying" at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp where he has spent the last year counseling hundreds of Muslim detainees from around the world who have been swept up in the so-called "War on Terror." Yee is currently being held incommunicado at a military brig with other "enemy combatants," because - according to reports - he was found with "diagrams of the cells" where the prisoners were being held, as well as lists of names of captives and their interrogators. Skeptics point out that this information looks more like the kind of stuff a concerned whistle-blower intent on exposing abuses might collect tha n it does "sensitive information" that an enemy nation might be interested in. But it's probably nothing to worry about. Go back to sleep. Nope... there's nothing wrong here.

Murder/suicide cannibal orgies... medical instrument fetishes and "scheizen" porn... that whole Nazi thing... what the fuck is up with Germany, anyway?! Today's bit of messed-up Teutonic reportage is about 18-year-old Andreas W, from Halle, who drank a glass of tea made from a halucinogenic plant known as Angels' Trumpet, then, well... according to his mom: "He was behaving normally the whole day until he left the house and disappeared into the garden for a couple of minutes." When he came back into the house, it was minus his pecker and licker, as he'd used a pair of rusty garden shears to slice off the two most vital organs when it comes to pleasuring a woman. Doctors could reatach neither tongue nor penis. Apparently, Angel's Trumpet tea is the next "big thing" for der Vate rland's notoriously adventursome psychonauts, and because of the great difficulty in parsing out an accurate dose, it can lead to serious mental damage. I can hardly wait to get a hold of some! I'll just get my jaw wired shut and wear my chain-mail jock-strap (a gift from the Queen), and I should be safe.

"WTFWJD?" - Oh, how I wish I'D thought of this!