First: spiritually and physically, this war is mangling a generation of Americans, both on the battlefield and at home. Second: this so-called "war of liberation" is actually a monstrous slaughter. Third: Preznit Dubya and his criminal administration constructed this entire wasteful, Satanic enterprise upon a foundation of propaganda, forgery, and outright lies. There is no valid ethical, moral or legal justification for it, no matter how "easy" the task might eventually turn out to seem� relatively speaking. Never forget these things. Even as you wave your little plastic flag at the homecoming parade on your TV screen, with its smiling soldiers resplendent under a blizzard of confetti and cheers, never forget that it's all a lie, and that no amount of wishful thinking can change that sorry fact. TOP TEN WORST WAYS TO DIE! - Our Top Ten lists go to eleven! 11. Anus-to-bald-spot chainsaw bisection. 10. Drinking a Domestos Slush Puppy. 9. Listening to Starship's We Built This City amplified to such an incredibly high volume that you suffer total cellular breakdown and liquefaction. 8. Drowning in the septic tank at a summer camp for AIDS victims. 7. Suffering a massive, terror-induced heart attack in the middle of being eaten alive by a pack of ravenous hyenas. 6. Having the flesh slowly and expertly flayed off your bones by an Apache who uses nothing but a sharp stick and his nimble fingers. 5. Accidentally drinking a mug full of liquid nitrogen and freezing solid from the inside out. 4. Cancer. 3. Being slowly strangled with a greasy loop of your own intestine by a Japanese cartoon demon who is simultaneously raping you up the ass with a fish-hook-covered penis the size of a fire extinguisher. 2. Being shot down by a United States military jet ten minutes after you and your fellow passengers manage to wrest control of the hijacked airliner from the extremist Muslim terrorists who intended to crash it into the White House. 1. The Sandpaper Room. There are two rollers hidden behind the walls on either side of the Sandpaper Room that keep the abrasive floor in motion at all times. Not too fast, maybe two or three miles per hour, which is easy enough to keep pace with� at first. Eventually though, you get tired and stop. But the moving floor pulls you up against the wall, where you realize that the soles of your shoes are slowly being sanded away. So you start walking again, but it dawns on you that you're only delaying the inevitable� that your time is limited to how long you can stay awake and moving, while your captors have all the time in the world. How long will it take for you to die? How many times will you drop unconscious from exhaustion, only to be ripped awake by the pain of your skin being sanded away? How many times will you be able to force yourself to get up and walk before your body simply isn't able to obey your mental commands anymore? Hours? Days? A week? Once you make the final drop, how long before the sandpaper grinds your flesh to the bone? How many days before you bleed to death? How long before there's nothing left but a red wet stripe on the floor� of the Sandpaper Room?
Death By Sandpaper
Despite a somewhat hairy start and some rough patches in the early stages of this whole "Iraq Attaq," the city of Baghdad seems about to fall and there are hints that Preznit Dubya is pretty much ready to declare victory. And yes, while it's true that American and British forces seem to be slicing through both the much-ballyhooed Republican Guard and the dreaded Fedayeen militia at will - there was a reported 3000-to-1 kill ratio during Saturday's incursion, alone - there are three things we should always keep in mind: