Retard on a rampage

Retard Rampage

In these ever-so-politically-correct times in which we live, the mentally handicapped are often portrayed as being pure of spirit, as having simpler wants and needs than the rest of us, as being sweetly na�ve and even preternaturally innocent, somehow. It is because we don't want these comforting illusions to be shattered that so few of us are willing to face the truth� that nothing in this world is quite so dangerous as a retard on a rampage.

Unfortunately, because of the taboo nature of the subject, most of us have to find this out the hard way. One minute, you're a twelve-year-old kid playing rounders in the local sandlot, feeling good about yourself for convincing the other kids to let Toad, the neighbourhood mongoloid, take a few swings between innings, and then, BLAMMO! You wake up in the hospital with multiple fractures and three days amnesia only to have your friends tell you all about how Hoyt fell on you like a screeching avalanche of hate - remorselessly pounding your crumpled body with the strength of ten men and the very same aluminium baseball bat that you, yourself, had handed him - when you said "ice cream truck." This phrase, Toad's far-too-similar-looking parents would later inform you, was virtually guaranteed to send their boy into a towering homicidal frenzy for some reason.

And so the next time you and Toad crossed paths, and you dared look into the cold, black, cross-eyed vacuum of his fish-like stare, you knew that you would never again let your guard down around a retarded person... especially if he or she was twice your size. You were wiser about human nature through experience, and not revelation. And that's a valuable thing.

But no matter how badly Toad battered your prone and crumpled carcass, at least he didn't blind you, which means you're better off than Shanika Thomas of Palmdale, who had both of her eyes gouged out by a mentally retarded co-worker at a Del Taco restaurant. The assailant, 25-year-old Torelle Hill, reportedly dragged a screaming Shanika into a trash enclosure behind the restaurant, where he beat her mercilessly and ripped her eyes out with his bare hands� because he had a crush on her. All together now� "Awwwww!"

But just because some retarded people can turn into pitiless juggernauts of rage-fuelled destruction without warning, rhyme or reason, that doesn't mean they should be left to simmer in a broth of their own faeces for a week� on purpose! That's what happened to an unnamed retarded man at a hospital in Montreal, Canada, it was recently revealed. During a week of innovative (if somewhat cruel) "bathroom training" that began on New Year's Eve, nurses at the Robert-Giffard psychiatric hospital put their annoyingly incontinent charge in isolation and left him there, in the hopes that he would become disgusted at being slowly buried in his own "merde", and thus would spontaneously come to his senses and use the frickin' toilet instead of just lying there and shitting all over himself, for f***'s sake.

Seven days passed. It didn't work. Some people were fired. The room had to be hosed down with disinfectant. And they all lived happily ever after.

Retards! Ya gotta love 'em.