Genetically modified pets
"The administration wasn't matching its deeds to its words in the war on terrorism. They're making us less secure, not more secure. As an insider, I saw the things that weren't being done. And the longer I sat and watched, the more concerned I became, until I got up and walked out."
- Rand Beers, former high-ranking National Security Council "special assistant to the president for combating terrorism" - trusted advisor to Presidents Reagan, Bush I, and Clinton - on why he quit his job in disgust, then joined up with presidential candidate Senator John Kerry's team. Folks... the crazy shit this guy has been privy to... his defection is HUGE.
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"It's a very closed, small, controlled group. This is an administration that determines what it thinks and then sets about to prove it. There's almost a religious kind of certainty. There's no curiosity about opposing points of view. It's very scary. There's kind of a ghost agenda."
- The above quote - which sent a chill down the spine - is from the same Washington Post story, only from Rand's wife Bonnie, this time. Ghost agenda?! What the hell is she talking about?!
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It's been a long time since the government nannies phased out the deadly-dangerous game of lawn darts as an acceptable family pastime, but I think I've finally found a suitably suspect substitute� Pakistani kite-fighting! It's a sport in which rival kite-flyers are pitted against each other in a kind of aerial duel, using razor-sharp metallic wire instead of strings to hold their designs aloft, they try to sever each other's tether! Unfortunately for innocent bystanders, the special strings used in these combats have recently led to a number of slashed throats, as well as the near-decapitation of an oblivious motorcyclist. Oh well, like they say: it's all fun and games until somebody gets decapitated by a razor-sharp wire� at which point, it becomes a bona-fide craze!
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Australia is already home to far more than its fair share of the world's bizarre genetic freaks. The egg-laying, lactating monotrens like the platypus and the echidna come to mind, as do the thylocene and Yahoo Serious. So it hardly seems right that the "Land Down Under," as the locals call it, should be adding yet another member to its menagerie of mutants. But with the recent discovery of a living specimen of the ultra-rare and long-thought-to-be-extinct Lavarack's turtle - the only animal in the world that can breathe out of it's own ass - they are. Hey, do you think if scientists taught it to talk out it's ass, the turtle might run for public office some day?
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TOP TEN GENETICALLY MODIFIED PETS I'D LIKE TO SEE!
Our Top Ten lists go to Eleven
11. "No fuss" dogs that can survive indefinitely by recycling (eating) their own faeces, urine, and shed hair.
10. A parrot so smart that when your girlfriend calls and you're secretly out making sweet luurve to her sister, it can actually answer the phone and pretend to be you, carrying on a fully convincing conversation and spewing out all manner of bullshit lies and excuses� just like you!
9. A cross between a Silverback gorilla and a Great White shark. We can call it the "Gojira," and we can feed it pit bulls and rottweilers for breakfast.
8. Card-counting casino helper-monkeys.
7. Ferrets with a natural inclination for housework.
6. Cats that remain tiny, playful and kittenish until you become bored with them, at which point they sense your boredom and flush themselves down the toilet.
5. Four words: Giant. Invisible. Poisonous. Ladybugs.
4. Pot-bellied "snack" pigs with skin that develops a crispy, delicious outer crust that you can peel off and eat. But don't get greedy! Peel off too much and the poor thing starts to bleed! If it could be made to defecate onion dip, that would be cool, too, but we don't want to be greedy.
3. Iguanas that don't rot when they die, but instead strike a dramatic pose and instantly petrify, providing you with a commemorative keepsake that functions nicely as a book-end or some other form of conversation-starting bric-a-brac.
2. The "Accommodator UGB" (Unisex Gratification Beast), which is basically a walking ball of flesh, festooned with assorted swollen, gaping, and/or throbbing sexual organs of all shapes and sizes. Great for relieving stress and giving your neighbours nightmares. Doesn't cost much to feed, as it subsists on your bodily fluids.
1. A Vern Troyer-sized "Mini You" homunculus genetic replica of yourself that lives for one year only. That should give you just enough time to teach him English, instil the fear of death into him, and then study its reaction when you tell him he's only got a few weeks left.
Last updated 19.6.2003