Die Infernal Beast, Die!

I feel really bad for all those people who were sucked in by "The Great Jesus's Brother's Bones Box Hoax of 2002," as I've recently taken to calling it, and if you can say that ten times fast without gagging, I'll fly over to your house and eat your socks� but not really. Actually, I couldn't care less, come to think of it. But I stray from the intended path. This is because I am deeply, shatteringly stoned right now. Can you tell? Of course you can't. PUNY HUMANS!!!

Anyway, Israeli archaeological experts revealed last week that the inscription on the stone box recently alleged to have once been the ossuary of Jesus's brother, James, was a forgery. Shuka Dorfman, the ridiculously-monikered director of Israel's Antiquities Authority (whatever that is) said: "The ossuary is real. But the inscription is fake. What this means is that somebody took a real box and forged the writing on it, probably to give it a religious significance." Another archaeologist, who chaired a committee of experts investigating the box, informed reporters that the conclusion was unanimous, indicating that the inscriber had cut through the stone's natural "patina," using "modern text."

So not only was this thing a forgery, it was an obvious and utter forgery! You'd think with all the cash the dumb-ass sheep-of-the-flock pass down to all those Holy Rollin', Bible Thumpin' Billionaires' bank accounts, they could whip up some more impressive frauds than that. I mean, this is on the level of a plaster cast of a Bigfoot track, for Gods sake!

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An articulated lorry burst into flames and disgorged its cargo onto one of the busiest roadways in England this week, sending a cascade of giant rubber penises, blow-up up-dolls and extreme bondage gear plunging onto the tarmac. The bizarre pseudo-carnage brought traffic to a standstill in the region, and it took all day to clear the body-parts off the street. One firefighter on the scene told reporters: "I've seen a few strange things in my time but this is certainly one of the most bizarre I've come across." He really should have waited until he got home before doing that, because it's both messy and extremely personal.

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The black metal scene in Norway is once again going mental. Last weekend, Illvastar, the guitar player in Svartharid, broke into a morgue in Skien. He chopped off the head of a dead guy with a sami-knife (a 20-40cm knife with long, sharp blade) and arranged the other bodies in various "positions". When arrested, Ilvastar claimed that he'd done it for a bet.

But Illvastar still has some work to do before joining the cream of Norwegian metal weirdos, like Euronymous and Count Grishknackh. Euronymous ate his dead bandmate's brain (in a stew, with ham, frozen vegetables, and paprika). And Count Grishknackh? He killed Euronymous, claiming to friends that Euronymous had "cried like a girl" while being stabbed.

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Vietnamese fashion model Vo Thi Thu Tram probably won't be in a mood to celebrate Mother's Day next year. According to Tien Phong police, Vo's mom, feeling "spurned," snuck up on her sleeping daughter and poured a wok-full of boiling cooking oil over her face, burning the skin down to the bone. "This will almost certainly put an end to her modelling career," a hilariously shallow doctor at the hospital where Tram has been receiving treatment told the Vietnamese press. The cops say Mom did the dirty deed for two reasons. First, she wanted to teach her daughter a lesson for not being sufficiently appreciative of everything Mommy Dearest had done for her in the past, and second, she wanted Vo to return to the family fold, and realized she would never do so as long as she was earning a glamorous living on the top fashion runways. Something tells me that this crazy-ass psycho-bitch was never exposed to the gentle, child-rearing wisdom of Dr. Benjamin Spock.

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MAKE THESE BEASTS EXTINCT NOW!

They say beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone. Where, then, to stop measuring the ugliness of a creature without a skeleton? In vampyroteuthis infernalis's case, we probably needn't worry� "never-ending ugly" just about sums it up. And while it would be nice to look at this creature's nomenclature as proof that not all biologists are humourless dweebs, such a conclusion isn't really justified. After all, what else could the unfortunate individual who discovered this Lovecraftian nightmare have named it but Vampire Squid from Hell? This thing is so disgustingly, disturbingly hideous, even Chinese people won't eat it! Here are a few facts about this thankfully rare creature: neither squid nor octopus, the Vampire Squid belongs to it's own family� Vampyromorpha! Only a foot long, proportionately, the Vampire Squid has the largest eyes of any animal in the world, and in keeping with today's theme, they're hideous, resembling nothing so much as giant, pink, skinned grapes. Instead of suckers on its tentacles, it has vicious little hooks to grab and rip its prey. And finally, proving that ugly is as ugly does, the Vampire Squid from Hell has one of the animal kingdom's most grotesque defence mechanisms� when threatened, it turns its asshole towards the aggressor and blasts out slimy loops of its own intestines at them! DEAR GOD� WHY?!?

"POINT ME TO YOUR ASSHOLE!" - NOT-SO-TINY TERROR FROM THE DEEP

Perhaps the most pathetic-looking creature in the oceans, the Goblin shark is an extremely rare, slow-swimming shark. You know how drug companies have to test all their pills to make sure they don't cause birth defects? Well, the Goblin shark pretty much looks like something out of a pharmaceutical research technician's worst-case-scenario. Sporting the always-attractive colour combination of splotchy pink and mottled grey, the Goblin's most distinctive feature is probably its mouth, which is unattached to the rest of its body, allowing the Goblin to thrust its tooth-ringed maw at - or, more disturbingly, deeper into - anything in it sees fit. Very little is known about this unusual and incredibly rare shark, but I can guarantee you one thing: if given half a chance, this monstrosity will very likely sneak up and tear your delicious rectum right out from between your butt cheeks, coring you like an apple in an excruciatingly painful display of its contempt for the human race. I mean, seriously� just LOOK at it!!!

"GAZE UPON ME AND DESPAIR, MORTAL." - SATAN'S CROTCH LICE�

It goes by many names: Sun scorpion. Camel spider. Wind Scorpion. Despite this, it is neither spider, nor scorpion. Like the Vampire Squid from Hell, above, this antediluvian freak belongs to its very own group: Arachnidan Solifugae. And it's all ugly. As huge as it is disgusting to look at, this desert dweller can be found pretty much anywhere there is lots of dry sand and heat, and wherever they are found, the locals invariably kill them on sight. But the most soul-shatteringly hideous incarnation is found in the Middle East, from whence many a Desert Storm veteran returned with horrific tales of these nearly foot-long land-lobsters chasing them down at ferocious speeds, climbing up their backs and inflicting serious bites to the face, neck and skull. While not poisonous, their jaws are extremely powerful, and they do have a taste for meat of all kinds� birds, rats and camels are all fair game for this Hell-spawned nightmare bug. What was Noah thinking when he let two of these incredibly disgusting creatures on the ark? What was God thinking when he created them?! AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!