A message from the liberator of Iraq
People of Iraq! A message from your liberator!
Now, some of you may have noticed that this liberation is still a work in progress. For the time being, the situation in the streets of Baghdad remains fluid. Right now, Baghdad is like a cross between New Orleans during Mardi Gras, London during the Blitz, and Detroit on any given weeknight. It's god-damn Apocalyptical!
And that is why, although myself and my fellow Americans were greatly amused by your joyful dancing in the streets - especially that crazy thing where you were smackin' posters of Saddam with your shoes - it would probably be best if y'all kept yer heads down for a while. At least until coalition forces are done tearing down statues, securing petroleum-related infrastructure elements, ignoring widespread anarchy, and destroying all evidence of my daddy's shady dealings with Saddam's regime from before the first Gulf War.
Once they have completed these vital tasks, they will be more than happy to help put a lid on the roaming bands of heavily armed thugs who are currently emptying stores, ransacking private homes, looting hospital dispensaries and trashing museums full of five thousand years' worth of priceless cultural heritage� if they aren't too busy.
Besides, I'm sure y'all would agree that temporarily being at the mercy of thugs and criminals is but a small price to pay for finally being freed from the thugs who held sway during Saddam's criminal regime! Any day now, the government of Iraq and the future of your country will be back in Iraqi hands. I promise. It won't be long. Just as soon as we get the oil flowing again, the liberation will really start to kick in.
Think of it! When that sweet, black crude reaches the free and open markets of the world - unfettered by OPEC or United Nations restrictions which only hold back your natural, inbred, intra-pen-urinal potential - your nation will be buried under an avalanche of cash so immense, you will soon be able to rebuild everything our coalition bombs have destroyed! Won't that be nice?
In the meantime, as I have previously stated, the war effort is still ongoing. Many parts of Iraq remain military hot zones. As your liberator, I want you to know that despite the horrific frequency with which coalition forces have gunned down entire families, we are doing everything we can to minimize the inevitable slaughter of innocents that occurs during any war of liberation. Our only enemy is the brutal regime of Saddam Hussein� and any living thing that comes within a half-mile range of him. And anybody who makes any sudden moves. So watch it.
Despite your limitations, you are a good and gifted people - not unlike an entire nation of Sammy Davis Juniors. You deserve better than tyranny and corruption and torture chambers. In short, like so many of your lucky brothers and sisters in the Third World, you deserve an American puppet regime. And that's just what you're gonna get, because the nightmare that Saddam Hussein has brought to your nation is all but over.
Speaking of nightmares, I feel I should tell y'all that, last night, I had a nightmare of my own. In that nightmare, I found myself rushing past clouds, sitting atop the head of a titanic Beast. From my vantage point atop its mighty cranium, surrounded by ten tree-sized horns of bright red steel tipped by crowns of purest gold, I watched the world roll past beneath me as the Beast strode at a horrible pace, wading through the sea towards land, where a great army of men was massing. Just as the Beast was set to crush an entire battalion beneath its vast raised hoof, the heavens above were rent asunder, and the sound of a great thunderous trumpeting spilled forth. Behind me, the sea gave a great churning heave, and I turned just in time to witness the spinning of a great vortex, vomiting a darkness beyond imagining from the bowels of the netherworld. It was then that I finally understood that I wasn't riding the Beast, but that I WAS the Beast. And I understood that this was my destiny. And I understood that it was good.
My advisors have assured me such dreams are completely normal, and that it will all work out for the best in the end. But I just felt like y'all should know.
Good night, Iraq! And God bless Allah!
Okay, are we done for tonight? No? We recordin' the next one now, too? Okay, but I gotta go take a shit, first.
Okay, I'm back. You ready? Are we rolling? Okay. Ahem�
People of Syria! This is your liberator, George Dubya Bush, Preznit of the United States of America. As I sit here, recording this personal message for y'all, the regime of Bashar al-Asad is being removed from power. And I'm here to say: You're welcome!
Cue Twilight Zone theme music�