Words of Wisdom #0021:
"You should never let your delusions of grandeur interfere with your plans to take over the world."

David Hasselhoff was arrested for drink-driving at the weekend. The true heir to the legendary drinkers like Oliver Reed and Richard Harris, The Hoff still has Soho barmen talking in hushed, awed tones about the times he has been drinking in London. David favours neat vodka, served in half-pint measures, which he effortlessly downs in one go.

Maybe this skill was what persuaded Ice T to produce Hasselhoff's new rap album.

Masturbating makes you thin, according to a Japanese doctor. Hideo Yamanaka says "Ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories. An ordinary young person would have to do it 100 or more times a month for it to have any effect... four or five times a day, if you're really serious." He calculates that for each two kilos of body weight you want to lose you'd need to use up 2 litres of semen.

Devotee Gomesu Yamada says "It's hard enough just to spurt so often, but to get the full benefits of aerobic exercise, it's necessary for the process to be maintained for at least 15 minutes before ejaculation occurs." They've named the practice Onani-bics.

Is J-Lo already on husband number four? Insiders suggest she had a hushed-up teenage marriage. Bookies'odds on beating Liz Taylor's eight weddings? 10-1.

Old Jokes' Home: Q: Did you hear that David Beckham's voice will be used for the announcements at the new Wembley?
A: Apparently he comes over the P.A. very well..