Embryos 'r' Us

This week US TV networks announce the line up of the new Fall season. Fans of Angel and Boomtown were happy to see these series finally renewed. And back in minor-celebrity obsessed Britain, we get the following new shows:

Pop Family - from the makers of Pop Idol, a competition to find families who all sing karaoke.

Celebrity Alcatraz - z-listers get locked up in prison for some spurious reason.

Drop The Celebrity - who would you most want to push out of a plane? (Davina McCall... Brian Dowling... Geri Halliwell, how many can we have?)

Holy Homeskool, Batman! This particularly sad piece of brainwashing/exploitation has to be read/seen to be believed. And once you're done chortling darkly at the initial and obvious mock-worthy aspects (about which I shall say no more, so as not to spoil it for you), you get to laugh again when it hits you that the entire editorial is spent denigrating a book which the author admits to not reading! It's a proud paean to blissful ignorance! Just remember... nobody ever flunked out at home school!

According to a Washington Post story, there are currently four hundred thousand frozen human embryos stored at various fertility clinics and other facilities throughout the USA. Now, according to various and sundry moralistic and superstitious idiots out there, this is some sort of "problem" that has to be "dealt with." Ever generous and thoughtful, here's a list of the...

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WITH 400,000 FROZEN EMBRYOS! our top ten lists go to eleven!

11. Sell them to the highest bidder.

10. Use them to cool down your beverage.

9. Ignore them.

8. Sprinkle some on your shoulders and you have a dandruff alternative for incredibly rich people who are unable to produce dandruff of their own.

7. Breed your very own Freak Show by nuking a dozen or so embryos in a microwave, then using a turkey-baster to shoot them up your retarded half-sister's cervix.

6. Get Colonel Sanders to make it an even dozen herbs and spices.

5. Use them as snow in a series snowglobes featuring highly disturbing locales (Dachau, WTC ground zero, Kabul).

4. Market and sell them as "pre-deceased" Sea Monkeys.

3. Three words: Frozen Embryo Porn!

2. Put them in a rocket and blast them into outer space and hope a benevolent alien civilization thaws them out and hatches them. This may well be humanity's last, best hope for survival.

1. Flush them down the toilet. We've got enough natural-born assholes as it is.