Let your sleep tonight be untroubled, citizen! The fiend Tommy Chong is now safely in the custody of the Taft Correctional Institute in Bakersfield, California. For the next nine months, this sixty-five year old, meditating, wood-working, charity-giving, inner-city youth-teaching father of six - who's been married to the same woman for more than thirty years - will be kept from mixing with polite society, for our own safety and protection, of course. Chong was arrested in February, and was recently found guilty of contravening a rarely-enforced federal sub-statute which lists "bongs" (but not "waterpipes") as illegal drug paraphernalia. Chong sold custom glass pipes on his website, ChongsBongs.com. If he'd called his company ChongsWaterPipes.com, instead, he would probably be a free man, today.

Courtroom Trivia: During the trial, attorneys for both the defense and prosecution admitted to having never heard of the law used to prosecute Chong before Witchfinder General Jesus H. Ashcroft decided to initiate two targeted anti-stoner crackdowns with codenames that might just as well have been thought up by Sgt. Stedanko himself: Operation Pipe Dreams and Operation Headhunter.

On September 29, venture capitalist Marvin Bush - Preznit Dubya's younger brother - suffered a tragic loss when Bertha Champagne, live-in babysitter to his children, was apparently crushed to death by her own car. According to the police report, Champagne had gone outside to retrieve some unidentified object when her car, which had apparently been left in gear, somehow lurched forward at the exact, precise moment when she was in a position to be crushed by it.

She was pronounced dead at the scene. An official statement from the office of Marvin Bush read as follows: "Bertha was a beloved figure in at the Bush family compound, and I want her children to rest assured I did not have her killed because her chronic snooping accidentally led to her stumbling across some information that could show that I helped lay the groundwork that made the terrorist attacks of 911 possible. She will be sorely missed."

TOP THIRTEEN CAMPAIGN SONGS FOR DUBYA IN 2004!

Arnold Schwarzenegger had Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take It. Bill Clinton had Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow. Ronald Reagan had Bruce Springtsteen's Born in the USA, until the Boss informed him that the lyrics described how the Gipper's retrograde right-wing policies had betrayed the promise of a nation. Now, with the 2004 election only twelve months away, here's some ideas for the people spearheading Preznit Dubya's re-election (sic) efforts some campaign song ideas, totally free of charge.

13. Liar, by Henry Rollins Band

12. I Got The Power by Snap, and Unbelievable by EMF (a tie!)

11. Blame Canada, by the South Park kids

10. The theme from Jaws

9. Brain Damage, by Pink Floyd.

8. Sad but True, by Metallica

7. The Imperial March (Darth Vader's Theme) from Star Wars

6. Me Against Da World, by Tupac Shakur

5. Pinky and the Brain theme song.

4. Only a Fool would Say That, by Steely Dan

3. Money Talks by AC/DC, and Money Changes Everything by Cindy Lauper (Another tie! This time, in recognition of the mighty coalition forged by Dubya to bring Saddam Hussein to his bony, scabby knees!)

2. Everybody Wants to Rule the World, by Tears for Fears

1. Fortunate Son, by Creedance Clearwater Revival