Try not to let this bother you... Apparently, some American troops who committed suicide in Iraq did so not because of any combat-related anxiety, but because they were homesick. It seems a large percentage of the recently reported deaths were suffered due to attempts at self-injury. "I don't think the issues on hand were combat issues," Captain Justin Cole, who works at the base in Tikri, told Reuters. "I think they were missing home, very much wanting to go home and as a result did harm to themselves. Unfortunately they did pass away." Sweet Jesus. If you know anybody who's over there right now, give them a call or something. Send them a care package. Hey! George Clooney and Sean Penn! If you want to rehabilitate your reputation with the grunts at the front, put your money where your mouths were and load a couple Hercules transport planes full of pizza, ice cold beer and porno starlets, and personally fly that shit to Tikrit. Come on... it'll be like Adult Make-a-Wish! Plus, the residuals on the videos alone could... but we'll talk later.

At Yale, that Ivy League factory where future leaders of the Establishment are manufactured, there's this guy by the name of Brother Stephen. Brother Stephen is a pasty, flabby preacher-man who stalks the campus, spewing venom against gays, blacks, Muslims and non-Christians in general, in his booming evangelical sidewalk rants. [At this point in the story, many of you probably already have a good idea where it's headed.] This past summer, Brother Stephen - real name Steve White - was arrested for trying to sex up a 14-year-old boy. According to the victim's sworn affidavit, White drove up to him in a green van (typical!) and asked where the nearest strip clubs and porno stores could be located. When the boy informed White that he had no idea where one could procure such goods and/or services, White allegedly flashed a $20 bill and asked if the boy would let White suck his dick. We feel this must all be some sort of hilarious misunderstanding like they used to have on Three's Company, because no "man of God" could ever do anything so abusive and sinful as to sexually abuse… oh, shit. I almost forgot! They do it all the frickin' TIME!!!

I feel as though I haven't annoyed enough readers yet today, so here's a story about how some Israeli anthropologists and computer imaging specialists have determined that Jesus Christ was a caveman!

Suppose someone tried to sell the story that the Mafia never existed... Interestingly enough, 60 yrs or so ago, when people spoke of a quiet yet powerful criminal conspiracy organized along a single nationality of people, there were those who denounced them for it... And who denounced them? Members of this criminal conspiracy and the political lackeys who were on their payroll. They used all the familiar terms; racist, anti-Italian, anti-Catholic, bigot. Yet today, the existence of the mafia is an established fact, and only someone who is either making a joke or else deliberately wishes to be ridiculed tries to deny it. Now consider the upset that occurs today when someone suggests that there is a criminal conspiracy, much like the Italian Mafia that is operating again, only on a bigger scale, and instead of being run by the Italians, it is run by Israelis. The reactions by these gangsters and their controlled mouthpieces, the media, and in particular, right-wing ta lk show hosts are almost identical to the reactions by Italian gangsters and their defenders in the last century. People are branded as racists, bigots, jealous, envious, and now, thanks to 50 years of daily propaganda, Nazis. It is very effective. Criticize Israel for anything, and you will be called any of the above and ruined for life."

- Opinions expressed in the Mark Glenn editorial, from which I've culled the above excerpt, are the sole responsibility of the author, and may not represent me. But it comes pretty close.

Good news, folks! While the Powers That Be were busy waging war on the fundamentalist snakepit of Afghanistan and against Saddam Hussein's pathetic, lame duck regime in Iraq, the terror-bank nation of Saudi Arabia and batshit, nuke-slinging Pakistan have decided to join forces in some kind of shadowy nuclear agreement pact!

Hey! Wait a minute… aren't those the same countries where most of those terrorists who flew those planes into those buildings came from? Oh well, at least we've still got Eritrea on our side. You remember Eritrea, don't you? They were one of the USG's most name-dropped allies in the Mighty Coalition that helped America rid the world of the Devil Hussein. This week, they had to accept a boatload of dead and rotting Aussie sheep that no other nation was willing to take, because their people are starving and willing to eat anything. I sure do hope things get better for them before the next time we need them to help us invade and occupy a sovereign nation that didn't do shit to us!