Famous people love to meet cancer children, because it stops them feeling guilty for being obscenely rich parasites on society. So, kids, stop feeling sorry for yourself, log onto the Make A Wish website and start milking those celebs for all they've got. Here are our favourites:

1. Michael Jackson - Jacko is the golden goose. You turn up, play on the funfair, let him wank you off... and then your parents collect a pay-off of anything up to $20 million. Ka-ching!

2. Ted Nugent
Ted has a great charity programme which involves flying you and other kids out to Africa, where you can blow the heads of antelope and zebra. That'll teach them for being healthy!

3. Chris Judd
He's helped out J-Lo... now he'll help you!

4. George Clooney
With George you don't even need cancer: last year the klutz sent loads of gifts to a woman who claimed to have a cancer-stricken daughter called Cindy. But when George was about to fly down and see her with Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, the mother hastily announced that Cindy had, er, died. Actually, Cindy never existed. The mother then claimed to be a non-existent sister, called up George's answer machine, and pretended to kill herself. Wheee!

Go for it, kids: http://www.wish.org

George Clooney is attempting to make a feature film of Magnum PI with himself in the title role. This is lunacy - Magnum is Tom Selleck! Email George via [email protected] to tell him to think again!

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