We really should
have known, shouldn't we? You know how they always say that the worst thing
you can do when you're dieting is to have a drink of alcohol? Oh, it's just
the WORST thing you can do, they all say! The doctor, the nurses, the busybody
neighbor from Hell. Well� a scientific study has just been undertaken, and guess
what? It turns out drinking booze actually HELPS DIETERS LOSE WEIGHT!!! Of course,
the study was undertaken in Austraila, where beer is seen as a daily sacrament
of sorts, but we here at the Daily Dirt are assuming that the scientific method
was adhered to. And if THAT weren't enough to make you want to rip your own
balls off with rage, try THIS on for size: You know how they always say be sure
to slather on lots of sunscreen before going outside, to help cut the risk of
developing skin cancer? There's even a song about it! It's called "I'm
serious about the sunscreen" or something. Spoken word. Anyway� a scientific
study has just been undertaken, and guess what? It turns out using sunscreen
INCREASES your likelihood of contracting skin cancer! Most especially the deadliest
kind� carcinomic melanoma! Of course, both of these studies are sure to be proven
wrong within about half a decade or so, I wouldn't take them TOO
seriously if I were you LEWD LEXICON!
Vagician (n) An
individual who can work magic upon a vagina. "St.... made me orgasm three
times before his penis even entered the equation! What a vagician that man was!"
Vagician's Apprentice
(n) A very lucky lady.
Me-OUCH! (prop.
n) A drinking game played by psychopaths. A variation on the time-honoured game
of Quarters, only instead of bouncing coins into a drinking glass, you bounce
live kittens into an open-topped blender set on "liquefy.
So Kate "Goldie
Hawn's Daughter" Hudson is pregnant, and the seed-father is lanky Black
Crowes frontman Chris Robinson? Plus, the delivery will take place at a New
Age birthing facility (ie, cult compound), where the mother will be submerged
underwater while soothing music and wafting wisps of burning aromatherapy oils
fill the air around them? Hmmm� something tells me this kid is gonna be born
with an intuitive ability to roll a joint single-handed. Bongwater will be his
breast milk. His first words are gonna be: "Pass that shit over here, bro!"
And they shall name him "Moonglow."
Now that he has
confirmed he isn't running for President, thus freeing him from having to bash
his fellow Democrats for a year, Al Gore is free to be as big a thorn in Dubya's
side as he feels is necessary. His latest speech - an inspired, robust jeremiad
delivered at New York University - is an inspiring case in point. Read it here, TOP TEN REASONS
TO VOTE FOR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! 11. It isn't like
this is a real election, anyway, so you might as well have a little fun with
it!
10. Experts agree
that the only way to fix California's problems is by handing over the state's
finances to a showboating vanity candidate whose sum total experience in government
consists of leading a couple hundred school-kids in a five-minute round of jumping
jacks on the White House lawn nearly two decades ago.
9. So we can hear
him mangle the tough parts of his Oath of Office when he's sworn in. Arnold
trying to say "constitutionally-mandated gubernatorial responsibilities"
equals comedy GOLD!
8. If California
Democrats ever try to scuttle a legislative quorum by leaving the state like
they did in Texas, Arnold will hunt them down and chop them into quivering,
bloody sushi.
7. His last name
has both the word "War" and the word "Zen" in it. How cool
is that?!
6. It will help
Minnesota get over their embarrassment at having elected Jesse Ventura.
5. It is imperative
that we, as a society, come together and put an end to this Gary Coleman nonsense
right now.
4. His positions
on various issues have already been clearly articulated in his films. Want to
know where Arnold stands on cloning? Just watch The 6th Day. How would he deal
with terrorism? Watch Collateral Damage and find out. What are his feelings
on the rise of the surveillance state? True Lies and Eraser hold some clues.
Education issues? Watch Kindergarten Cop. And, of course, to ascertain Arnold's
thoughts about the imminent global takeover by an impossibly cruel mutant robotic
artificial meta-consciousness, just watch Twins, co-starring Danny Devito.
3. Fiscally speaking,
he'll be able to do for the state of California what he did for Planet Hollywood.
2. If you vote
for him, he promises to kill you last.
1. Let's see YOU
come up with a better way for the Bush administration to distract the public's
attention from churning unemployment, a metastasizing deficit, the rapidly-deteriorating
situation among the natives in our latest imperial conquests, Iraq and Afghanistan,
and the ever-rising pile of "suicides" necessary to keep the illusion
going.
Hasta La Vista, it's all over now baby blue
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